im stuck in shit.

i don't exactly know why amidst all the things that keeps me preoccupied, i cannot help but think at the end of the day, that all of this is not worth it.
they say that even if you don't like something, you'll learn to like it when it's constantly around you.
that is not the case with me and my nursing course.
i still breathe in deeply when i face another day knowing that all that is in store for me will just be another fact that i need to put in my head, but not in my heart. i long for the things that will make me happy. and make me go on and push myself to the limits without resenting the fact that i need to enjoy and be happy of what i'm doing.

after three years, im still like this. i thought i could learn to love this profession. but i recently found out that my brain might be in tune with nursing, but my heart, i doubt it.
i've had a rough week because i needed to stay behind in our college building for our Operating room orientation. we had to learn how to be "sterile" all through out the operation, how to arrange the countless scissors, forceps, clamps and retractors. and i kept on making mistakes in my checklists. i knew that i screw things up when i do them halfheartedly. and that's what happened in all of my OR checklists. i screwed them up. and i felt so bad. because i could not put my heart in what i was doing.

and i felt worse. what if i could not even put my heart in anything that i do?

would this confession serve as a warning that i might not be a good nurse?
the surprising fact is that i do good in my clinical area. not because i think i do good, but my instructors seem to see something good in me. and sometimes that makes me smile. maybe i COULD do this. and i will try.

maybe that's what matters after all. the courage to try.