HELLO SANDARA!!! haha. i was very surprised to see her in korean news. i was also taken aback when i saw what they did to her hair in her "lollipop" video. haha!!!

anyway. we used to tease my friend paola, that she is in fact Sandara. paola used to have very chubby cheeks. haha!

anyway, go SANDARA carry mo yan! haha

(paola's photo:courtesy of edrick)

the in betweens

i was always a believer of tue love. the love you see in korean movies. in chick flicks.

and maybe because i came from a family full of love, i grew up knowing i'd find my true love in an instant..i was looking for the right kind of love, not the experience...

and when the time finally came, i thought it was for real. i immediately thought it would never be better. after the stupidity, the fidelity and loyalty, i had my first heart ache. i never thought an incident could cause your chest to be so tight. waking up and feeling that heavy feeling is and always the worst feeling in the morning. i said to myself, i don't want any of that anymore.

the heart ache left me feeling miserable. it made me feel so ugly. it left me feeling worthless.

there's nothing more pathetic than waking up thinking no one's out there wishing i was with them.

most of the time i found myself walking alone and thinking why i was that way? i decided i was going to live the life.

the next thing i knew, i was in a dance club dancing the night all the way. i remembered i never got tired. it was the first time. i fell in and out of love with every boy that came my way.. and as always, none of them wanted to stay...

then i met the perfect guy. or i thought he was.

maybe it was because of all the pain from the past that made me want to nail him down. and make him mine.

i told myself i don't want to let this go without giving a fight.

and so i thought i could make him want to stay...

and he did. for a year and 3 months.

the aftermath of my fidelty was painful.

i was not rejected of my happily ever after once or twice.

i'm starting to accept that i'd never get my happy ending nor my true love...

i still belive there's a better life waiting for me...

for the mean time i don't want to look too much forward.

im going to take one day at a time...

and feel less hurt..

there is life after the heartache. just thought you should know..:)

seeing in a different light.

today, i watched the movie for the 5th time. and i don't know why i don't get tired of it. maybe because, NEW YORK is my American Dream and yes, i have a knack for High fashion influenced by my very good friends and fashion critics, bea edrick and kervin... so yes, this movie is like a chocolate for me. comforting...

in the movie, carrie had to suffer 6 months before finding out she was still into Big. what about me?

now i am ready to move on.

im feeling the pain and lost in full blast.

and i'm surprised by how well i'm handling the situation.

i also cannot understand why i want to be reminded of the hurt..

maybe because i easily fall for him.

and if i let myself truly forget what happened, maybe somewhere in the corner of my mind,

i will come running back to him.

which i know, i would regret in time...

he doesn't want me to hold on. because he says he cannot promise me anything.

and of course just the thought of it pains my heart.

yet, pain will make you stronger. so that when you say it's over, there's no turning back...

i want to decide now whether i want this kind of set-up.

and it makes me wonder if i'm doing the right thing for both of us.

we are friends. but with the wish that somehow the love we feel for each other will keep us from moving forward.

i don't want to lie to myself because i've been lying most of the time.

i just want to free myself from this heavy feeling everytime i wake up...

i want to learn to look at him in the eye with no racing of heartbeat...

i want to see the future on a different perspective now.

there's gotta be more to life. no one said it will ever be easy.

and i'm going back to the life i had without you.

no, it's not going to be easy for me...

but a person has to move forward and not step backward...

until i decide for myself whether i need to move a step forward with or without you, i need to hold myself and take care of myself. because no one's going to do it for me....